Understanding His Silence: A Husband's Perspective on Miscarriage

"What was the hardest part for you during the miscarriage?"

"The hardest part was being helpless, seeing you look like you were in pain and distraught."

He went on to describe how he felt paralyzed, unable to alleviate my suffering. He saw the physical evidence of our loss – the blood – and it terrified him.

It's strange how two people can be experiencing the same event, but have completely different interpretations of what's happening.

I realized then that he wasn't just hurting for our baby; he was hurting for me. He continued,

"I thought something bad was happening with you. I thought it could have been...I didn't want to put a name to it."

His fear wasn't about appearing weak; it was about potentially losing me.  

His silence, I came to understand, was his way of coping. It wasn't indifference; it was a protective shield. He admitted, "I wasn't showing you anything because I didn't want you to be alarmed by me. Me panicking...might make you panic." He was trying to be my rock, even as his own world crumbled.  Through adversity I saw my husband's protective nature prevail.  He showed himself to be the man that I needed him to be in my weakest moment.

Did he confided in anyone, seeking support from his friends?

"No, We don't talk about stuff like that."

This realization saddened me. The pressure on men, especially in our community, to remain stoic, to "give it to Allah" without processing their emotions, is a burden they shouldn't have to bear alone.

Hearing him express his pain, even years later, helped me understand him better. It made me realize that his silence wasn't a sign of apathy but a testament to the immense weight he carried.

To other women whose husbands grieve silently, remember this:

• Healing Looks Different for Everyone: Don't mistake his quiet strength for a lack of feeling. Allow him the space to process his emotions in his own way.

• Create a Safe Space for Communication: Encourage him to talk, but don't force it. Let him know that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness.

• Offer Support, Don't Demand It: If he doesn't want to talk, suggest alternative outlets like journaling, physical activity, or spending time with trusted friends.

• Seek Professional Guidance if Needed: Sometimes, a neutral third party can help facilitate healthy communication and healing.

Miscarriage is a shared loss, but the journey through grief is unique for everyone. By understanding and accepting our differences, we can offer each other the love and support we need to heal.

If you or someone you know is expecting a child and in need of childbirth education or a dedicated doula, I’m here to support you. My name is Takiyyah, and I offer childbirth education classes and doula services to help guide you through the beautiful but sometimes challenging journey of pregnancy and birth.

Childbirth Education Classes: These classes are designed to empower you with the knowledge you need to feel confident and prepared for labor and delivery. We cover everything from birth plans to pain management techniques, helping you make informed decisions along the way.

Doula Services: As your doula, I provide continuous emotional and physical support during pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Whether you need a calming presence, guidance during delivery, or assistance with postpartum care, I’m here to ensure you feel supported every step of the way.

Let’s work together to create a positive birth experience that centers around your needs, strength, and faith. You don’t have to walk this path alone. Reach out today to learn more about how we can prepare for your childbirth journey.